Long Distance, Bit Weird
Comedians and long-distance lovers Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo live on different continents and spend hours each day talking on FaceTime. They decided to start a podcast and monetize their relationship. Each week, they talk to a comedian guest friend from Britain or Canada about life, love and weird stuff.
Episodes
E41: The Enfield Poltergeist
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week, in honour of Halloween, Sooz freaks Michael out by relaying the story of the Enfield Poltergeist. In August of 1977, a single mother living in Enfield, north London told the police that she had witnessed furniture moving aroun
E40: The Leading Ladies of CanCon with Andrew Johnston
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week we welcome comedian Andrew Johnston back to the pod to talk about some of the most notable female artists who rose to fame in Canada during the 1980s and 90s. Did they conquer the global charts? Not necessarily. But they were c
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep. 14 - More Metro sex columns
On this week's Patreon exclusive bonus episode we're reading more of the least sexy columns every written: sex columns from The Metro, London's favourite free newspaper. This is just a preview, for the full episode head to our Patreon where you'll also find a bunch more exclusive episodes and other content.
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep. 13 - When Athletes Poo...
On this week's Patreon exclusive bonus episode we're being sophisticated grown-ups and, inspired by the lady who diarrhoea'd herself and everyone else at Hyrox, talking about other athletes who have done the same. It's so nice! This is just a preview but for the full almost-hour-long YES THAT'S RIGHT WE TALK ABOUT THIS FOR AN HOUR episode head to our Patreon where you'll also find a bunch more exc
E39: Lara Croft off of Tomb Raider
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week Sooz tells Michael the story of 90s phenomenon Lara Croft, the superstar lady protagonist of the incredibly popular Tomb Raider video game franchise. Was she aimed at girls? Did she go to school with Prince Charles? Why did her
E38: Musk - The Documentary by Alex Gibney
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week Sooz and Michael share their thoughts on the new, four-hour documentary about Elon Musk they saw at the Toronto International Film Festival. Is four hours too long to stare at Elon's beautiful face? Listen to find out!
But firs
E37: The Rise and (Current) Fall of Nigel Farage Part Two
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week it's the second part of our deep dive into the world of Nigel Farage, Britain's favourite Guinness and champagne swiller. From the Brexit disaster to Reform's current £72 million pound problem, we talk about Nige's cool life si
E36: The Rise and (Current) Fall of Nigel Farage Part One
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week it's time for us to go deep inside the world of Nigel Farage. From plane crashes to election losses to constantly getting covered in milkshake...this guy knows how to live a life! So much so that we've spread him out over two e
E35: The Great British Agricultural Show
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
Are you ready to FARM? You'd better be, because this week's episode is about the wild and erotic history of British agricultural shows. Why? Because Sooz and Michael recently attended one, and it featured top tier livestock, a band play
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep. 12 - The Deer Hunter review
Over on our Patreon we reviewed Vietnam War epic The Deer Hunter, a film Michael had never seen until this week. In this preview we are discussing various actors who were offered the role of the phantom in the terrible 2004 Phantom of the Opera movie. To hear the full hour-long episode (you know, the actual review) and gain access to all of our exclusive content please head to our Patreon. Thanks!
E34: Dolly Parton and Tim Curry R.I.P.
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
After an interruption of services due to the Edinburgh Fringe, LDBW returns to the airwaves with a very nice episode. Sooz and Michael talk about Edinburgh, Dolly Parton, Tim Curry, a big night out in Reigate, life as pub quiz champions
E33: Michael Jackson's "Moonwalker" Movie & Video Game
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week LDBW returns to a favourite subject, as Sooz educates Michael on Michael Jackson's 1988 "Moonwalker" film, and the subsequent 1990 video game "Michael Jackson's Moonwalker." What did Joe Pesci and Michael talk about on the Moo
E32: Only Fools and Horses
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. It's like something out of a Philip K. Dick novel.
This week Sooz introduces Michael to the classic British sitcom Only Fools and Horses, which ran from 1981-2003 over seven series and sixteen Christmas specials. What's the show about?
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep. 10 - Ricky Gervais' Alley Cats
We're watching a clip from Alley Cats, the new animated series where cats swear. This is just a preview of course. To hear the full hour-long episode (which includes discussions of the alleged decline of Mr Gervais and his work, along with some chat about Katie Price) and gain access to all of our exclusive content please head to our Patreon. Thanks!
E31: Count Binface: What Is This?
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week, in the run-up to an exciting British by-election, Sooz tells Michael about the satirical political figure known as Count Binface, the latest in a long line of British novelty candidates like Lord Buckethead and Screaming Lord
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep.09 - World's most married man and John Travolta
This is just a preview of course. To hear the full hour-long episode (which includes discussions of the Tate Brothers going to jail) and gain access to all of our exclusive content please head to our Patreon. Thanks!
E30: The Odyssey
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week, Sooz and Michael give an unvarnished review of Sir Christopher Nolan's cinematic adaptation of The Odyssey. What were the highlights? Where did Sir Christopher mess up big time? How gross was it inside the Trojan Horse? And sh
UNLOCKED! Bonus Episode 4: Wetherspoon News and a METRO Sex Column!
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
Once more, due to international scheduling conflicts and diplomatic difficulties, we're releasing a recent Patreon bonus episode here on the main feed. Enjoy as Michael reads two red hot letters to Wetherspoon News (one about toilets, th
UNLOCKED! Bonus Episode 7: The Great Stink of 1858
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week, due to international scheduling difficulties, we're releasing a recent Patreon bonus episode here on the main feed. Enjoy, as Sooz tells Michael the hilarious/disgusting story of the Great Stink of 1858, when unusually hot wea
E29: Keith Richards' 1977 Toronto Drug Bust
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week, Michael tells Sooz the bizarre story of Keith Richards' 1977 arrest for heroin possession in Toronto. Facing up to seven years in Canadian prison, Keith's troubles could have ended the Rolling Stones... until a fan's intervent
E28: Oasis vs Blur - The Battle of Britpop
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
Oasis. Blur. Dodgy. Who were the true winners of the so-called Battle of Britpop that rocked the UK in August of 1995?* This week, Sooz tells Michael about the time that Oasis and Blur released pop singles on the very same day. It's a st
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep.08 - More Metro Sex Columns
In this bonus episode, Sooz and Michael are taking a look at the weirdly unerotic Metro sex columns, available in London's favourite free newspaper.
This is just a preview of course. To hear the full episode and gain access to all of our exclusive content please head to our Patreon. Thanks!
***
ANNOUNCEMENT
ATTENTION: HUMOUR FANS - Michael Balazo's new, much-anticipated 3rd standup comedy album
E27: Sooz and Michael LIVE from Sooz's Couch!
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada.
This week Sooz and Michael are together on one of the nicest couches in Britain! You won't believe your ears as they recount their exciting week together, featuring everything from slugs to surprise parties to England's triumphant World
E26: Vindaloo is Coming Home - The Story of England's Immortal Football Anthem
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. OK.
This week Sooz tells Michael the unbelievable story of England's immortal football anthem Three Lions. How did it happen? Why is it so suffused with melancholy? Will the guys ever record a new version? And what is Vindaloo? Listen to
"Canada is Balls" - Canada's World Cup 2026 song by Michael Balazo
Hello LDBW listeners! With the start of the 2026 World Cup just hours away, we decided to adorn your podcast feed with Michael Balazo's new song "Canada is Balls." This song is designed to unite Canada as the country prepares to win the World Cup.
There's even a slick music video for "Canada is Balls," with editing and graphics by Sooz Kempner. CLICK HERE TO WATCH IT!
Good luck, everybody!
E25: A Peek Behind the Pub Quiz Curtain with Terrance Balazo
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Please give generously.
This week Sooz and Michael welcome veteran quizmaster/brother Terrance Balazo to the show to talk about all things pub quiz. When did they start? Has technology made cheating inevitable? And why do pub quizzes mak
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep.07 - The Great Stink!
In this week's bonus episode, Sooz tells Michael all about The Great Stink of 1858, when the River Thames was so full of sewage and the sun was so hot that London got too stinky and parliament couldn't operate. Bit on the nose, lads! Literally.
This is just a preview of course. To hear the full episode and gain access to all of our exclusive content please head to our Patreon. Thanks!
E24: The October Crisis - Bombs, Tanks and Chaos on the Streets of Montreal
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Hot Stuff.
This week Michael tells Sooz about one of the rudest chapters in Canada's history: the October Crisis of 1970, when, after a seven-year bombing campaign, the militant Quebec separatist group the Front de libération du Québec (
E23: Rainbow, the Beloved British Children's Show
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. At time of publishing, 1 Canadian dollar is worth 0.54p.
This week Sooz tells Michael the story of beloved British children's television series Rainbow. Created as a British response to Sesame Street, Rainbow aired from 1972-1992. And wh
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep.06 - Grogu Time
In this week's bonus episode, Sooz tells Michael what a Grogu is.
Please enjoy this free episode preview, where Sooz has done some research so that she and Michael, both of whom aren't interested in Star Wars, aren't left behind in the pop culture.
If you want to hear the entire episode AND gain access to all of our bonus content, support Long Distance, Bit Weird on Patreon.
E22: Vietnam War Resisters or "Draft Dodgers" in Canada
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. But only one is human...
This week Michael tells Sooz about the 30-40,000 young American war resisters or "draft dodgers" who decided to move to Canada instead of fighting/dying in the Vietnam War. How did the draft work? Why Canada? Wha
UNLOCKED! Bonus Episode 3: Sex Column SPECTACULAR
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Please enjoy this!
This week we're unlocking a recent Patreon bonus episode in which Sooz reads Michael some incredibly unerotic sex columns from Metro, the UK's free commuter tabloid. If you close your eyes, you can pretend you're on an
E21: Sooz and Michael LIVE from Bath
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Haha.
This week is a treat for fans of the popular "Actual Customer Letters to Wetherspoon News" segment, as Michael reads THREE magnificent missives that touch on subjects like tiny knives, restaurant renovation and signed garbage. Then
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep.05 - Michael Jackson's Doomed Hollywood Dreams
In this week's bonus episode, Sooz tells Michael some little-known facts about Michael Jackson aka the King of Pop.
Please enjoy this free episode preview, where Sooz recounts MJ's thwarted attempts to become a movie star by playing Spider-Man, Jar Jar Binks, Willy Wonka and Peter Pan.
If you want to hear the entire episode AND gain access to all of our bonus content, support Long Distance, Bit
E20: The Regrettable Men of CanCon with Jesse Hawken
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Two people from two radically different cultures.
This week, writer and podcaster Jesse Hawken drops by to talk about some VERY lucky Canadian musicians who benefited from the government's Canadian Content (CanCon) rules.
Implemented und
E19: Comedy When the World is S**t with Robin Ince
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Gross!
This week, British comedy icon Robin Ince stops by to talk about the importance of comedy in dark times, how he's stayed in love with standup, being an artist with a conscience, Chris Hadfield's impossible bicycle... and MORE!
GO
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep.04 - Euphoria and Diapers
In this week's bonus episode, a sex columnist from Britain's free METRO newspaper is shocked by the trailer for the new season of Euphoria. Sooz and Michael ask when on-screen nudity and off-screen diapers are justified.
If you want to hear more, you can get the whole episode on Patreon here!
E18: We Heart Flags - The Sexy Origins of the Union Flag & the Maple Leaf
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Haha.
This week's episode is a major treat for flag fans, as Sooz and Michael tell the shocking and sexy stories behind the Union Flag and the noble Maple Leaf. Feel free to salute while listening.
BUT FIRST: a frank discussion about the
E17: Pierre Trudeau - Canada's Horniest Prime Minister
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Cowabunga, dude.
This week, Michael tells Sooz all about late Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau's insane/glamorous love life. From beauty queens to actresses to singers and even teenagers, Swinging Pierre dated or married them all!
*PREVIEW* Bonus Ep.03 - Sex Column SPECTACTULAR!
In this week's bonus episode, Sooz reads Michael a selection of NOT VERY EROTIC sex columns from Britain's free METRO newspaper. OOH, SEX!
If you want to hear more, you can get the whole episode on Patreon here!
E16: The Rise and Fall of British Seaside Resorts
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, a podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. It's like something out of sci-fi.
This week, Sooz sits Michael down and tells him about the glorious rise and regrettable fall of the British Seaside town. In the 18th and 19th centuries, coastal towns like Brighton, Southend-on-Sea and
E15: UK Lifestyle with Masud Milas
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. And the police can’t do a thing about it.
This week, Sooz and Michael welcome comedian Masud Milas aboard to talk about what it was like to move to the UK after growing up in both Hong Kong and New Zealand. Masud also opens up abou
E14: A Fun History of Squatting in Britain
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. It's a nice moment for the Commonwealth.
This week, Sooz tells Michael about the history of squatting in Britain. Until 2012, you could legally occupy an unused building for FREE. As in, zero money. This situation allowed activists
E13: Wayne Gretzky with John Semley
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. But tell that to someone and they won't believe you.
This week Sooz and Michael welcome writer John Semley to the show to talk about the meaning of Wayne Gretzky at this particular moment in history. What do the Great One's MAGA in
E12: The UNCENSORED History of the Sunday Roast
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. It's like something out of a humorous film.
This week Sooz tells Michael the gravy-sodden history of the Sunday Roast, which goes all the way back to the reign of Henry VII in the 15th century. Which type of roast is the best? Is b
E11: Canadian Heritage Minutes with Graham Clark
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Oops!
This week Sooz and Michael welcome comedian and podcaster Graham Clark to the show to talk about Canadian Heritage Minutes, a series of sixty-second short films that aired during commercial breaks in the 1990s. While Heritage
E10: Red Dwarf with Chris Stokes
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird, the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Which is illegal.
This week Sooz and Michael welcome comedian and writer Chris Stokes on board to talk about the cult British sci-fi sitcom Red Dwarf. We discuss the show's high points, occasional missteps and the American version
E09: Sooz & Michael LIVE from a Travelodge!
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird--the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. But HOW???
This week Sooz and Michael are making podcast history by recording an episode LIVE from the Gatwick airport Travelodge. Is this some kind of funny joke? No. It's because this episode is about an issue that many long-dist
E08: Afternoon Tea & a bit of Panto with Lucy Frederick
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird--the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. Thank you.
This week Sooz and Michael welcome comedian and writer Lucy Frederick to talk about the uniquely British phenomenon of afternoon tea. When did it begin? Should you have some? Should there be mice around when it is served
E07: Terrible Canadians in America & Page 3 Girls with Jordan Foisy
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird--the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. SOMEONE GIVE THEM A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
This week Sooz and Michael welcome comedian and writer Jordan Foisy to the show to talk about the bizarre phenomenon of Canadian right-wing influencers who have sought fame and fortune in the
E06: Noel's House Party
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird--the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS???
This week Sooz tells Michael about the uniquely British phenomenon of Noel's House Party. It was the most popular Saturday night television show in the 90s, but why? Was it down to Noel's monologues, the Got
E05: Canadian Divas with Andrew Johnston
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird--the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. CAN YOU GUESS WHO IS WHO?
This week Sooz and Michael talk to comedian Andrew Johnston about the fascinating world of Canadian divas. We all know Celine, Shania and Alanis, but who was the very first one? How are Canadian divas diff
E04: Beloved/Traumatic Children's Film Watership Down
Welcome to Long Distance, Bit Weird--the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
This week Sooz and Michael kick things off by discussing urban wildlife, reliving a recent terrible meal in Toronto and presenting a new instalment of the hit segment "Letters To Wetherspoon News".
Then it's o
E03: British Football Culture with Bilal Zafar
Welcome to episode three of Long Distance, Bit Weird--the new podcast from international comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
This week Sooz and Michael's guest is comedian Bilal Zafar, who stops by to talk about British football culture. Mascots. Chanting. The best movies about hooligans. We also spend more time tha
E02: UK Christmas #1s with Marc Burrows Pt.2
Welcome to the second episode of Long Distance, Bit Weird--the new podcast from comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
It's time for the second half of our chat with author, critic, comic and musician Marc Burrows about the uniquely British phenomenon of the UK Christmas #1 single. This week, we learn about the childre
E01: UK Christmas #1s with Marc Burrows
Welcome to the very first episode of Long Distance, Bit Weird--the new podcast from comedy couple Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo. One of them lives in the UK, the other in Canada. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
To kick things off, Sooz and Michael welcome author, critic, comic and musician Marc Burrows to the show for the first half of a two-part episode about the uniquely British phenomenon of the UK Chr
COMING SOON: Long Distance, Bit Weird with Sooz Kempner and Michael Balazo
COMING SOON!
Comedians Sooz Kempner (Doctor Who’s Doom’s Day, Dinner With the Parents) and Michael Balazo (Schitt’s Creek, Evil Men) are long-distance lovers who live on different continents.
Seeing as they spend hours each day talking on FaceTime, they thought they might as well start a podcast and monetize their relationship.
Each week, Sooz and Michael talk to a comedian guest friend from Brita
