The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast
Gary McFarlane 195 episodes Nov 3, 2026
Gary McFarlane explores the neuroscience behind sex, porn and love addiction and how early childhood experiences shape compulsive behaviour. Drawing on his work at The Kairos Centre, he explains how unresolved past events can drive addiction patterns and what it takes to break them. The show offers practical guidance on the path to recovery and sobriety, including the centre's online webinar programme. Alongside the clinical and neurological explanations, it focuses on self-acceptance, shedding shame and rediscovering your authentic self. The aim is to help listeners rebuild a better quality of life and lasting change.
Episodes
What's Science got to do with it!
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreThe Gottman Institute did some research into the ingredients for a healthy Couples relationship and those who will experience longevity or divorce. What makes for a longlasting relationship and why they work? They identified two basic traits:1. Kindness; and2. GenerosityThey followed up many couples over 6 year
Would the real you please stand up
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreAvoidant Attachment styleHere are the statements which are likely to come from those with an Avoidant Attachment style• “I can do it. I can do it”• “I got this”• “No – I don’t need your help – thanks”• “You are so needy”• This relationship is so stifling”• “I am fine without you”• “I am fine on my own. You can
How Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Sex Life — And Why It Goes Wrong (Part 2)
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreIn an article by Christina Stefanou, BA (Hons) Marita P. McCabe, PhD - in The Journal of Sexual Medicine 2012, the association between adult Attachment and sexual functioning was the subject of an important research. The results demonstrated that higher levels of anxious and Avoidant Attachment were related to
Why Insecure Attachment is Silently Ruining Your Sex Life
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreHow Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Sex Life — And Why It Goes WrongWhy Intimacy Feels Impossible With Insecure Attachment (Trained by Thaddeus Birchard, Founder of ATSAC)Insecure Attachment Is Silently Ruining Your Sex Life (Sex Addiction Specialist Explains)If sex feels like a performance, a source of anxie
Why You Panic When Someone Pulls Away (Attachment Expert Explains)
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreIf you cling when someone pulls away, panic when a text goes unanswered, or want closeness and fear it at the same time, you're not "too much" — you're likely running an Attachment pattern formed long before the relationship you're in now. In this video, Gary explains Anxious and Disorg
Why "I Don't Need Anyone" Is Usually a Trauma Response, Not Strength
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre"I don't need anyone" often sounds like strength — but it's frequently a trauma response, not a personality trait. In this video, Gary breaks down hyper-independence: why it develops (usually from learning early on that relying on others wasn't safe or reliable), how it quietly damages
Which of the 4 Attachment Styles Are You? (Secure vs. Insecure)
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreMost relationship patterns — the ones you keep repeating without meaning to — trace back to one thing: your Attachment Style. In this video, Gary breaks down the four Attachment Styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized), what drives each one, and why understanding yours is often the missing piece in
Why "Attachment" Is Actually Detachment (The Hidden Psychology)
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreThe Attachment That's Really Avoidance — Why Closeness Can Feel Like a ThreatWhy Some People Feel Closest When They're Actually Furthest Away DESCRIPTION:What looks like attachment — staying, showing up, saying the right things — can actually be a form of detachment. Many people in relationships with
"What's Wrong With Me?" — The Question Every Sex Addict Asks
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreShame and self-criticism are often the real barrier to recovery — not the addiction itself, but the belief underneath it that you're not worth the work of healing.In today's video, trained sex and porn addiction specialist [Gary] walks through a practical 30-day self-compassion exercise designed to re
Relapsed Again? Here's How to Get Back Up (Sex Addiction Expert Explains)
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreLet's look at Episode 189 recording from another perspective.Sobriety rarely happens in a straight line — and if you've relapsed and feel like you're back at square one, you're not failing at recovery, you're likely missing a piece of it.In this video, Gary explains why "white-knuc
Sex addict - learn to get up, dust off & get back in
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhen you do Therapy/Counselling with The Kairos Centre, there are these 3 Stages which summarise the process:Stage one: Explore - that is what we do in the 50 minutes session. We jump into the sand pit together to talk, discuss and explore the issues.Stage two: Reflections in order to gain Insight & Underst
Sex Addiction damage to the Couple needs proactive Repair
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreSex Addiction prevalence in the couple's relationship is likely to create tension, conflict , hurt and damage to trust and therefore undermine to couple's relationship. Repair will be needed and almost certainly third party trained help will be beneficial.When "Mrs Porn" is on her way out an
Got to, got to start to like myself; even to Love myself
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreNegative thinking is also a form of meditation - meditation on the wrong thing.CBT (Cognitive Behavioural) principles kick in - which tells us - my thinking (whether negative or positive) will always determine and lead to my behaviour. Therefore, a negative schema is being set up, such that negative behaviours
Sex Addict - You really are not as bad as you think you are
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreYou really are not as bad as yo think you are. Honestly!Your sense of who you really are has gone adrift. Try the exercise in today's video, to reclaim right perspectives over time. Self compassion is needed - toward self. Don't be that hard on yourself. Too much self chastisement and insufficient pra
Sex Addict - Does life keep changing you!
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreConsider these Life Stages by Dr Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D (www.institute4learning.com):"Here are what I call the twelve gifts of the human life cycle:1. Prebirth: Potential – The child who has not yet been born could become anything – a Michelangelo, a Shakespeare, a Martin Luther King – and thus ho
Sex Addict....more of this thing called Life Stage Changes
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreLife Stages (not Midlife Crises!) is about how Human Development is divided into distinct Stages. Here is a reminder of those Stages:Prenatal -> infancy -> early childhood -> middle childhood -> adolescence -> early adulthood -> middle adulthood -> late adulthood.It is stating the obvious,
Sex Addict - Self soothing through Life Stage changes?
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreHuman beings have a life cycle. Each stage is marked by subtle adjustments to cope with the social, economical, cultural and sometimes, chronic stressors of the stage. Here is just one version of Life Stage age grouping categories. There are variants. Let us look at one version. Each stage looking at the differ
"No way - I would never trash my own 'Values' over trivial conflicts - would I?"
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreLet's check that we are on the same page as we have a discussion about 'Values'. I am speaking about such things as being able to be Creative, have Integrity, Fitness, Security, Faith, Self Confidence, Wealth, Winning, Honesty and many more.In the cool light of day, we would never purposely/consc
Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!" - Part 2
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreIt is worth listening again to the first part of this topic (in a recent past episode) - entitled: Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!" - This is a continuation of that topic talking about Core Emotional Needs. This is part 2 of how Passive-Aggressive behaviours can show up -
Enjoy this bonus episode from an interview about my life's journey!
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreGrab your popcorn, peanuts and a drink, this is a long episode. It is a bonus episode, bringing it all together in one episode.I was interviewed by Seen&heard (an organisation supporting those traumatised by boarding school attendance) - for whom I am one of their Directory of experienced Therapists working
Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!"
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is passive-aggressive behaviour? Do you fight like this? Passive-aggressive behaviour is when you express negative feelings indirectly instead of openly talking about them. It is a defence used to protect self. It might stem from early experiences and has become a way to protect self. It might also include
Sex Addiction may mean the true YOU never fully evolved and got ambushed
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreLet's talk about how well you really know yourself. Remember that the addiction behaviours are all about self-soothing to manage emotions; a time of escape from life's issues for a while. It means that many other life skills for managing emotions such as stress, pressure, anxiety, upset and other norm
As a sex addict - do you really know you?
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre“I’m the author of my own life story.Unfortunately, I’m writing in pen and I can’t erase my mistakes but my future will be better than my past.” - Mr MeetTherapy with The Kairos Centre is all about helping you to better understand you. Helping to move as much of life's issues from the unconscious, from th
The world's finest Apple - who me?
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreThe Law of Sustainment refers to the principle that your ability to maintain progress towards your goals is closely tied to your self-image and identity. If your inner beliefs do not align with your aspirations, it can lead to inconsistency and failure to achieve lasting change.Put slightly differently: It says
Sex addicts - say it all in poetry!
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreIn this episode, let's say it all in poetry.My Brain And Heart Divorced – John RoedelMy brain and heart divorced a decade ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become eventually, they couldn’t be in the same room with each othernow my head and heart share custody of meI stay with my brai
"Cheeky Brain - What do you mean you were offline when I did...."
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreMany people think that pornography consumption is harmless. Studies, however, have proven that regular consumption can have a negative impact on the brain. Prolonged exposure can alter brain structures, brain functioning and therefore, behaviour patterns. (A Recovery Programme is all about rewiring the brain).F
NARCISSISM versus EMPATHY
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreThe antidote to Narcissism is Empathy. (Sympathy and Empathy are very different). Narcissism and Empathy cannot co-exist at high levels together in the same person. (Both cannot be seen being used at high levels in the same person). There will always be a high level of one and a low level of the other. Make sur
Sex Addict - you're so Narcissistic!
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreHere is my mathematical formula - as we look at Narcissism:SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX, PORN, LOVE ADDICTIONI am not saying that those with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction are Narcissists. (Some may have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)). What I am saying is that all of my clients with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction,
Sex Addict - are you genuinely at 'ACTION' - on the 'STAGES OF CHANGE'?
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreSex - Addict, maybe you really are not yet at the 'ACTION' stage, as you think you are! 'Tools for 'ACTION' won't work if that is not the STAGE you are at. Let's look at where you might be at, despite turning up at the Therapists office because you have been caught and you hav
What's love got to do with it - Sex Addict?
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreLove me in five ways: (See my Book - The Art of Loving)Most of us operate out of emotional love. Our love is conditional. Loving self comes first. If you do not love yourself, it is not possible to love someone with the high level of love you think you have for them. It is deception to think that we do love o
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): What's that!
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreTools for repairing The Sex Addiction impacted couples relationshipCouples get into a conflict dance of words and emotions, mostly because of their Attachment Fears - fears of being Abandoned. The conflict of words is rarely about the actual subject matter in dispute. There is an under current of despair. It
Sex Addiction partner, you are so childish!
Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreIn the 1950's Eric Berne began to develop his theories of Transactional Analysis (TA). He said that verbal communication is at the centre of human social relationships and is a transaction. He called it Transactional Analysis. This is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and at
Sex Addict - I said "I do", but you didn't...
Send us Fan MailMore on unconscious Couples collusive fit dynamics of attractionBy ROSIE IFOULD, 1 August 2011http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2020944/Do-fight-like-cats-dogs-Or-half-pedestal-How-identifying-couple-type-transform-love-life.html#ixzz36JbJ34V9Most of us take on set roles in our relationships whether we realise it or not. We like to think that every relationship is unique. E
So partner - is that really how I chose you?
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreUnconscious Couples Collusive fit - of attraction to each other. Identify with any of these dynamics in your partnered relationship - now or in the past?Henry Dicks suggested that there are three areas involved in a couple fit: A public fit of social class, ethnicity and education between couples.Each partner
Partner - "How come I chose you as my Partner?"
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreMate/Partner selection, Collusive/Couple fit and all that: Why did I choose you and not someone else on planet earth?"I have never met you before or hardly know you, yet in a room of 100 people, I gravitate to you". How does that happen?My reply as a Therapist: "Because you 'promise'
Sex Ed from 'Peers, Banter & Porn' is very common and normative
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFrom where did you get your Sex Ed knowledge back there during the developing childhood years, which you have been following through and repeatedly practising in adulthood? Was it 'Peers, banter and porn' which set up your sexual template, long before school Sex Ed - which got there way too late; th
Sex Addicts - women do it too - and maybe with increased SHAME!
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centrePart 5 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of - This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspectiveHere is a portion of an article by Lauren Dubinsky - Founder of Good Women Project: What I Wish I'd Known Before Watching Porn, 2012 "Pornography is a charged subject, and it's a
Men & porn - tut, tut, tut. Women & romantic novels - what's the problem!
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centrePart 4 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of - This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspectiveCovid-19 contributed to a significant increase in the compulsive use of porn in 10 to 75 years old. Women gravitated to webcam usage during lockdown – maybe coerced by partners making it seem li
Sex Addict - you determine Sobriety perimeters
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.Therapy is about you not me.What do you want from Therapy? Are Fetishes or Paraphilia activities to be included? Where does your view come from? Is it your view or a 'hand me down?'What is for sur
Sex Addict - fight right battles or plead 'Conscientious Objector'
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.Make the real thing the real thing; prioritise the right thing. Fight the right battles. Don't fight some battles, but lose the war. It will drain you and then you want to self-soothe and dissipate you
Sex Addict - Asian "Shame" is different to European "Shame"
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.Sex Addiction is handled very differently between the cultures. Shame plays out differently between cultures. 'Shame' in Asian culture, is very different to 'Shame' in Western European c
Sex addicts have low self esteem & self worth
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.“Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest or them all”? How do you answer that question for you? Learn to love self, before you can love others.I use that thing called EMDR to work on the distorted im
Sex addiction beckons for some men who can't fit the version of 'Man-liness'
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.There is a difference between men and women and how they raise boy children - isn't there!Am I allowed to even pose that question? What does emasculation of men mean? A browser search result says about
Sex Addict - has society straight jacketed you - so you turn to self-soothing
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.What’s a “Russian Doll” (or is it called a Babushka) got to do with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction?I thought you would never ask!“I haven’t bought into that nonsense “Big boys don’t cry”, when I was growing up”.
Sex Addict - stand up the real authentic you!
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.Russian dolls very well illustrates the brain's attempts to protect and guard us from repeat pain from situations experienced in the childhood development years. The real us, may have got stunted, wher
Sex Addicts - Big up the women
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.We need you ladies. Don't give up on us yet!So much more practical in finding solutions. Teach us please ladies. We need you. I am convinced that women have been endowed with an extra perceptive sense
Sex Addicts - What does it mean to be a man?: Conversations (2)
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.Impediments to having great relationships:Disruption in the bonding in early childhood development with the significant caregivers (usually parents), is a key factor. The male (a father) plays a very impor
Sex Addicts - What does it mean to be a man?: Conversations (1)
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhat is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.What is Man-ness? There is still a caveman instinct inside of us as men. Has the image got distorted as men try to metamorphize ourselves to fit what society tells us a man should be. Trying to fit what we
Sex Addiction does not make me a Narcissist!
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre"Narcissism because of Sex Addiction - Yuk! That's not me".Many clients initially (but silently and violently) object to any suggestion that there is Narcissism at work. I am never suggesting they have NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder), but that they WILL have traits from Narcissism.Here is
Sex Addiction before you even gave permission!
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreDevelopmental history from childhoodThe phase of childhood from birth to age 6 is a critical time of sensitivity, during which time, templates are created which shape future interpersonal interactions. During this sensitive period of development, a child acquires a variety of new abilities and skills that are
Childhood stuff of Sex Addiction
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreSex Addiction is different to Porn Addiction. Sex & Porn Addiction are different to Love Addiction. They all get set up in 3 ways:1. Opportunity: Material accessed too early in childhood development2. Trauma: Just as it says on the label of the can! But make trauma age-related and its impact on the immatu
Children and Sex Addiction - Surely not! (Part 3)
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreThe report found that 58% of respondents had seen violent pornography, including strangulation and rape scenes, before age 18, with girls more likely than boys to witness such content. Children are exposed to increasingly extreme online pornography, with concerns that new restrictions may be easily circumvent
Children and Sex Addiction - Surely not! (Part 2)
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre"It was aged....and I came across my [parents] stash of porn. I kept going back to view when they were out and took a few to my my room. They never knew".That is the very typical answer that I have been given by a large percentage of my adult clients when taking them through my History Taking Questi
Children and Sex Addiction - Surely not! (Part 1)
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreNewspaper headline: "Joe is 10 years old and he is on The Sex offenders register and he has not yet kissed a girl".How can that be? Is that really true? Surely not! Ok my goodness!Even though that is not in the content of her Report, here is what the Children's Commissioner - Dame Rachel de Sou
Sex Addict and effective Communication - do you know these truths?
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centrePut these tools into your armoury of resources to help you communicate more effectively:John Grays 'Men are from mars and women are from Venus' is still worth a read. Also (although a somewhat provocative title) 'Men don't listen and women can't read maps' - is worth reading.Both
Sex Addict - The Body tells the truth, more than the trained Brain
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreSex addict, your body demeanour is going to give you away. Know the facts about the body and how you main have trained it to 'tell on you'!When we first meet someone we form a very strong impression of them within the first 40 seconds. We form a lasting opinion of them within the first 4 minutes. Ou
Compromised brain communication filtering in Sex Addicts
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhen we are communicating, the information is passing through the filters of the different structures of the brain. Sex Addiction does damage the brain and so, damages the filters.We all have filters. The message being transmitted is going through the receiver, but the receiver has filters and that means the
Not about the nail in my head - men in the dog house!
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre"A friend asks, "Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship." Another friend says, "LISTEN!" — Santosh Kalwar As we continue to Repair broken communication in the couple because of Sex/Porn/Love Addiction trauma damage - recognise there is a big difference betw
Sex Addict - 'Communication' is like a tandem bicycle wheel
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreRemember our foundational question: 'Do you enter a conversation to be understood or to understand?'Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get t
Effective Communication with you is broken - Sex Addict
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable." — David Augsburger Listening effectively is a very valuable gift to someone. It is costly. It values the other person. It is learned and must be practiced. There is a difference between hearing a
Help me see what I cannot yet see
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWe are continuing to look at Couples Counselling to 'Repair' the Sex, Porn, Love Addiction relationship damage. Let's focus on 'Communication'."The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.&q
All change - the rug is being pulled again
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreHuman beings have a life cycle. Let’s take a look. (The last two stages are not governed by age).Infant (Birth to 2 years): Changes in schedules, bedtime, routines new people around - can cause anxiety during this phase.Child (3 to 9 years): Social skills are developing, particularly from interaction with oth
Couples See-saw of life
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreSplit agendas and contrary motives - that are hidden from each other. Is that you?Jake & Jasmine on the seesaw of life, illustrates it. There are appearances, but below the surface of the relationship may be there is entrenched Emotional Disengagement. Couples engage in a dance for years, re-acting and co
Stubborn as a mule - you are - with your Sex Addiction
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreLet's continue our look at 'Repairing the damaged couples relationship, post Sex Addiction'.Does that image of the mules describe your relationship? of course not you, but your partner! Each trying to get their needs met. Those Core Emotional Needs. Remember that Core Emotional Needs are not ne
Repairing the Couple after Sex Addiction damage (Continuation)
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreBuilding new foundations for the couple: Take a look at the Different Relationship Images document attached to this Podcast. I try to bypass language as much as possible. Feelings do not always tell the truth. We can be very English. Very British!Question: "How are you today". Answer: "I'm
Relationship "Pinches" & "Crunches" that hurt (Part 2)
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreCouples counselling is not necessarily about keeping a couple together at all. All about exploring options. Also to help you both gain insight and understanding about self and how you do life, as an individual. Whether a Partnership or a marriage, these things are true: “Marriage is not the coming together of
Relationship "Pinches" & "Crunches" that hurt
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreShaped by circumstances from birth Picture the new born baby which starts life with innocence and a brain with few impressions. It starts to experience life and living and soon the brain has some impressions and templates being carved out. Good and not so good experiences and impressions. A distorted image de
A Sex Addict's view of relationship highs & lows
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreHighs and lows of the Couples relationship is a given. What impacts you, may not impact a partner and vice versa. Childhood development personality and characteristic sharping experiences, play a significant part in that process.Sex Addicts need to take their shoes off and step into the shoes of a partner in
Sex Addict and partner choice - same for us all
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWe fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and conscious differences are no longe
Sex Addict: "I chose you, then (nearly) destroyed us"
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreEarly relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours.When we meet a potential partner, we have an opportunity to re-Attach to a lov
Sex Addiction does serious damage to the couple
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreAt the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of light that may still be turned up. Is ther
Sex/Porn/Love Addiction counselling is specialised Therapy
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreClient, choose your Therapist carefully. It makes a big difference to outcomes.In 2024 the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapy (BACP) released an Ethical framework for working with Addictions and also a set of 'Addictions competence framework' for counsellors working with or intend
Sex Addict - first learn Intimacy, Sensuality & Romance, before sex
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWhen there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict.Yet, touch is exactly what you need to do to begin to break down the walls se
EMDR for Sex Addicts with unresolved childhood issues
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreUnresolved issues; unprocessed childhood issues, loose canons, unpotted snooker balls - are some of the terms that I use, for the process of work that I do multiple times every day with clients - using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing).Another analogy that I use (but please don't tell my E
Sex Addiction: Repairing the damaged couple - The Change Process
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreHave you heard the Joke about the bride who learned her script for what she had to remember on the wedding day - as: 1) Aisle 2) Altar 3) HymnWhat has shaped you to be doing life how you are doing life? So often, it is about those childhood development years and what got set up as templates, to create tho
Repairing the damaged couple post Sex Addiction
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreOver 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect.They are not negotiable human needs. They want to be met and we will fight/flight/fre
HOOK UP CULTURE: The Testosterone trap - facts
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreTestosterone in males is at its height in their late teens to early 20's. Women's sex drive does not reach its peak until their late 20's to early 30's. Therefore, a mismatch is going on between the sexes.Aged 15 to 25 years old males have a 4 times higher likelihood of death from various
HOOK UP CULTURE: The Science and more facts (2)
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreMen's brains are configured very differently when it comes to a response to sex. There are 3 areas to know about - which are over twice the capacity of the female:The Medial Pre-optic Area (MPOA): Is an area of the Hypothalamus that regulates various physiological and behavioural processes. The MPOA is p
HOOK UP CULTURE: The Science and more facts
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreAlcohol consumption raises women's testosterone levels. Same for men, but with excess, men's levels start to decrease. Not so for women.Women are not use to the effects of such higher levels of testosterone and so a young woman can become a very different sexual being, because of the effects on her
Sex Addicts - Sex Ed that 'Porn & Peers' didn't teach you (3)
Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreIn all your getting, get understanding: Men see female promiscuity as a deal breaker. If a man finds that a woman is not sexually active, he will intuitively feel that she is more likely to be faithful. Sexual integrity and sexual loyalty, is the most valued traits in a women, when a man is considering asking
