Mountebank History of Scotland

#43 - The Darien Scheme (Disaster in the New World) Jun 3, 2026 2448 In the late 17th century Scotland attempted to gain control of a tiny but immensely important trade choke point in a vast foreign empire we knew little about, the endeavour was widely unsuccessful and would result in thousands of deaths and economic disaster – it makes the Strait of Hormuz seem a little less ridiculous when you consider Donald trump has Scottish ancestry. The Scottish colony of Ne

#42 - The Darien Scheme (The Strange Dream of William Paterson) May 27, 2026 2417 The 17th century came to an economically ruinous end for Scotland as it attempted to establish a colony on the Darien Isthmus in Panama. The settling of a colony at Darien was the sole obsession of one man, William Paterson. Paterson was a banking visionary who, despite his shady goings on in the Caribbean, had the ear and trust of some of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the country, a kin

#41 - Scotland's Famine (The Ill Years) May 20, 2026 2505 The 'ill years' of late 1690's Scotland was a period of Scottish history more depressing than the Bertie Vogt's era. Devastating famines in 1696, 1698 and 1699 created the most severe mortality crisis experienced in Scotland until the introduction of the deep-fried Mars Bar. Mortality rates in some parts of the country reached as high as 20%, about the same as your average ICE agent. The famines c

#40 - The Massacre of Glencoe May 13, 2026 2332 The Massacre of clan Macdonald by Government troops in the winter of 1692 is one of the most shocking and infamous events in all of Scottish history. After the defeat of the first Jacobite Rising in Scotland in 1690, the Williamite Government demanded that all Highland Chieftains must make on oath of personal allegiance to King William and Queen Mary by the 1st of January 1692. This required them

#39 - The First Jacobite Rising May 7, 2026 2269 The first Scottish attempt to restore the deposed King James VII & II onto the thrones usurped by his daughter and son-in-law Queen Mary II & King William II & III, occurred in 1689. This first Jacobite Rising was unsuccessful, as were all subsequent Jacobite Risings in Scotland, the Jacobite Risings in Scotland were like successive Tory Prime Ministers in Britain between 2010 and 2024

#38 - The 'Glorious' Revolution May 7, 2026 2205 In 1688/89 King James VII & II's thrones were usurped by his daughter Mary and son-in-law William of Orange in the so-called 'Glorious Revolution' named so because of the rebellion's supposed bloodlessness. The revolution may have been 'Glorious' in England, but it would prove to be anything but bloodless in Scotland and Ireland, here it would have profound consequences for Scottish and Irish

Mountebank Returns! Apr 29, 2026 33 The first two episodes of the brand new series of the Mountebank History of Scotland will be released on Wednesday the 6th of May!

#37 - James VII & II (The Last Stuart King) May 28, 2025 2448 James VII & II was the last Catholic Stuart monarch of Britain and Ireland. As a Catholic he was viewed with suspicion by Protestants who were unhappy about James' placing of Catholics in prominent position within government - those positions were supposed to be exclusively for those who went to Eton - and his religious indulgences that allowed for Catholic toleration in England and Scotland.

#36 - The Killing Time May 21, 2025 2261 In 1681 James Duke of York and Viceroy of Scotland passed the 'Test Act' demanding all office holders in Scotland swear an oath of loyalty to King Charles II, accept the king's position as the governor of church and state, and renounce any attempts to change the system of supreme royal authority in Scotland. Promising to never make any innovations, improvements and declaring your undying love for

#35 - The Conventiclers May 14, 2025 2276 When Charles II introduced religious legislation in Scotland requiring parish ministers to pledge their allegiance to the restoration regime and denounce the National Covenant, many ministers refused. These ministers left their parishes - which were then converted into Wetherspoons - and took their parishioners into the wilds of the Scottish countryside in illegal religious gatherings known as 'co

#34 - Charles II (Return of the King) May 7, 2025 2210 Oliver Cromwell's death paved the way for the restoration of the monarchy and the return of King Charles II, a political comeback that at one stage looked as unlikely as Nigel Farage returning to head up the Reform Party - although that is of course less a return of the king and more a return of the c*nt. When it came to Scotland, Charles had not forgotten about his shabby treatment by the Presbyt

#33 - Cromwellian Scotland Apr 30, 2025 2256 Oliver Cromwell was as effective a monarch killer as Liz Truss, but after executing King Charles I Cromwell hummed and hawed about whether or not to accept the British crowns, in the end he gave himself the modest title 'Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England'. Cromwell incorporated Scotland into his Commonwealth, he had to occupy the country because a political union between the nations wa

#32 - The Rule of Saints Apr 30, 2025 2329 Between the years of 1648 and 1650 Scotland was ruled by a group of ultra-Presbyterians from the south west of Scotland called the 'Whiggamores'. The Whiggamores administered the country as a kind of Protestant Taliban, ruling as a religious theocracy they purged the government of anyone who was in any way competent or useful and supplanted them with fundamentalist religious extremists, they were

Mountebank Returns! Apr 23, 2025 36 I'm very exited to announce that the Mountebank History of Scotland is returning to your airwaves! The first two new episodes of the series I am releasing on the 30th of April, be sure to tune in then! :)

#31 - The Great Montrose May 13, 2021 2558 James Graham, the Marquis of Montrose, the 'Great Montrose' won a series of brilliant, almost impossible victories over the Covenanters in 1644-45 that is remembered as the 'Year of Miracles'. Such a run of near impossible victories wouldn't be seen again in British history until Leicester won the league in 2016. Montrose fought to make himself 'Master of Scotland' but like Alex Salmond it all cam

#30 - War of the Three Kingdoms Apr 29, 2021 2148 When civil war broke out in England in 1642 both the English Parliamentarians and Royalists petitioned the Scots Covenanters for their support. The Covenanters had the strongest army across all three kingdoms, they had defeated the Royalist forces of Charles I with remarkable ease in the Bishop Wars of 1639/40. The Covenanters may have been miserable bastards but they were also very successful - l

#29 - The National Covenant Apr 22, 2021 2151 Charles I tried desperately to assimilate the Scottish Presbyterian kirk with the English Anglican church, when he introduced a new Common Prayer Book to Scotland in 1637 an Edinburgh woman called Jenny Geddes famously reacted by throwing her stool at the Dean of St Giles Cathedral's head - by stool I mean what she was sat on, she wasn't throwing handfuls of shite at the guy. The result of Charles

#28 - James VI (Union of the Crowns) Apr 1, 2021 2775 Queen Elizabeth I died in the early hours of the 29th of March 1603 having resolutely refused to name an heir, to marry, or to attempt to conceive an heir. It meant the famed Tudor dynasty came to an end in the hands of a pasty-white, red-headed-leader - just like the end of Celtic’s dynasty, except where Elizabeth refused to be pumped Neil Lennon was quite happy to get pumped every other weekend.

#27 - James VI (Satanic Panic) Mar 25, 2021 2381 James obsession with sorcery, witchcraft, and satanism would lead to thousands of innocent, predominantly women, being tried, tortured, and executed as witches. Thousands suffered because of one man's obsession, one insipid, sweaty, balding, misogynistic, xenophobic, orange, small-handed, pussy-grabbing, prick of a king - but it's very difficult to put in any kind of 21st century context

#26 - James VI (Exemplary Protestant Leader) Mar 18, 2021 2553 James was given a vigorous education as a child, he was being raised to be an 'Exemplary Protestant Leader' - which is what Arlene Foster has printed on her business cards. James was a child genius and probably the most intelligent world leader until Donald Trump, and like Donald Trump he too was in love with a family member, not his daughter but a Stuart cousin Esme Stuart. Esme Stuart was a dash

#25 - Mary Queen of Scots (Prison, Plots, and Execution) Mar 11, 2021 2323 Mary was beheaded at Fotheringhay Castle in Northamptonshire on the 8th of February 1587. The English went and beheaded our queen, and since they got to behead our queen it's only fair we should get to behead their's - head for a head and all that. Mary was found guilty of 'imagining diverse matters tending to the death and destruction of the queen of England', if they executed Mary for 'imagining

#24 - Mary Queen of Scots ('Escape' to England) Mar 4, 2021 2120 By the time of Mary’s ‘escape’ to England in May 1568 both her mother and father were dead, she had two dead husbands, she ruled over a country that had changed its religious and political structures overnight, was berated by angry Protestants, put down a rebellion by her brother, witnessed the horrific murder of her secretary, was imprisoned and escaped, won back her kingdom, married the man resp

#23 - Mary Queen of Scots (Marriage and Murder) Feb 25, 2021 2510 Mary's second husband Lord Henry Darnley was a vindictive, alcoholic, spiteful, womanising, pig-f*cker he had all the necessary attributes to become Prime Minister but it also meant he had a lot of enemies. There were plenty in the Scottish nobility with motive to want Darnley dead, his murder in the Scottish Gunpowder Plot in February 1567 is Scottish history's biggest 'who dunnit?' *note to Eng

#22 - Mary Queen of Scots (Return and Reformation) Feb 18, 2021 2457 John Knox was Scotland's most miserable man before Sir Andy Murray. He was a middle-aged, extreme-Protestant, who despised the charismatic female ruler of Scotland - like your uncle on Facebook - and was one of the leading figures in the 'Reformation'. We were always destined to be Protestants in Scotland, Scottish people will choose 'grey misery' over 'over-the-top showiness' every time. The refo

#21 - Mary Queen of Scots ('The Rough Wooings') Feb 11, 2021 2214 The Rough Wooings aren't just Alex Salmond's idea of flirting, they were also a series of punitive raids launched by England's 'ultra gammon' monarch Henry VIII to try and force Scotland into a marriage pact using intimidation and violence, 'Phil Mitchell style'

End of Series One (time for a wee break) Oct 24, 2020 73 After 20 episodes and a thousand years of Scottish history Mountebank is taking a wee break. I will be back in no time at all with my episodes on Mary Queen of Scots, in the meantime please continue to nominate deserving folk to receive bottles and whisky and mind and leave me a wee bit of money on 'Buy Me a Coffee' so I can buy them :)

#20 - James V Oct 16, 2020 2226 James V was the greatest patron of renaissance architecture in Scotland, he loved beautiful paintings, beautiful buildings, beautiful poetry but also loved tying people to barrels of tar and burning them alive; he's Scotland's Hannibal Lecter - he didn't eat them unless they were deep-fat fried

#19 - James IV Oct 9, 2020 2028 James IV was Scotland's renaissance king and by far the most popular of the seven king James of Scotland, just like the Rocky Franchise; although James IV didn't defeat his enemy, in fact he died spectacularly so I suppose he's probably more like Apollo Creed

#18 - James III Oct 3, 2020 2013 James III is arguably the worst of all the Stewart monarchs which is really saying something, that’s like being the most incompetent member of Boris Johnson's cabinet, no mean feat.

#17 - James II Sep 24, 2020 1764 James II was a king with a deep fascination, an obsession, with cannons and heavy artillery who was ultimately killed by one of his own cannons - so just like every American who buys a gun to 'protect their family' then ends up getting shot by their toddler.

#16 - James I Sep 10, 2020 2026 James I is the most enigmatic of Stewart monarchs, no one seems to able to decide if he was utterly brilliant or utterly shite - he was the 15th century's 'Gerry Cinnamon'

#15 - Robert II and Robert III Sep 3, 2020 1874 Robert II despite being well past his best when he became king Robert II continued to tour Scotland until he was 74 years old, he had 20 children through two marriages, and was for all intent purposes utter shite - Rod Stewart has very much modelled his career on that of 'Rod II'. His successor Robert III considered himself to be the worst king Scotland has ever had, his dying wish was that he be

#14 - David II Aug 28, 2020 2138 David II was the son of Robert The Bruce and that's a lot of pressure, they are some seriously big boots to fill - it's a bit like how Sir Alex Ferguson's son is a football manager, your dad is the most successful, the most famous and instantly recognisable Scottish king of all time and you're managing Peterborough United or whatever Gammon town in England Darren Ferguson is the manager of.

#13 - Robert The Bruce (The Declaration of Arbroath) Aug 13, 2020 1791 The Declaration of Arbroath was affirmed at Arbroath Abbey on the 6th of April 1320. The Declaration decreed that should the king be deemed to be an ineffectual leader then his subjects had the right to replace him - this was back in the days when being a complete f*ck head was seen as being undesirable in a leader, unlike now where it is a necessary attribute to become leader of the 'free world'

#12 - Robert The Bruce (Bannockburn) Aug 7, 2020 1918 The Battle of Bannockburn fought on the 24th of June 1314 was an incredible victory for the Scots army led by Robert Bruce against the superior English forces of Edward II. It made the scores Scotland one - England a miiiiiiiillion. By winning the battle of Bannockburn Robert Bruce secured his kingdom and effectively ensured the survival of Scotland as a nation. Bannockburn has remained Scotland's

#11 - Robert The Bruce (Outlaw King) Jul 29, 2020 1727 Robert the Bruce was a king on the run after the shocking, sacrilegious murder of his rival John Comyn in a church in Dumfries - shocking because crimes committed in churches were supposed to be exclusively for the priest. He then famously went into hiding, had a run in with a spider, and reemerged in the spring of 1307 a rejuvenated superhero, a bit like yer man Peter Parker.

#10 - William Wallace (Scottish Martyr) Jul 22, 2020 1640 William Wallace, Scotland's greatest patriot, suffered a particularly brutal execution. His decapitated head was placed on a pike and taken to the Bullington club in Oxford where future Tories copulated with it while his limbs were hacked off and sent to Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling and Perth, where they were then deep-fat fried and served in the local chip shops

#9 - William Wallace (Guardian of Scotland) Jul 16, 2020 1803 The most instantly recognisable and most revered Scottish patriot of all time takes some time to talk to you about William Wallace..!! Part One 'Guardian of Scotland' tells Wallace's story from when he 'raised his head' in 1297 through his victory at Stirling Bridge and defeat at the Battle of Falkirk just a year later

#8 - Toom Tabard Jul 8, 2020 1669 John Balliol or 'Toom Tabbard' which means 'empty tunic' a nickname attributed to Balliol on account of the fact he was a king who was easily manipulated, had no real control over his kingdom, and was in power in name only - he didn't hide in fridges though

#7 - The Alexanders Jul 2, 2020 1491 The 13th century and the rule of 'The Alexanders' was Scotland's golden age - only because no one realised how bad things were going to get in the 14th century, it's a bit like the Scottish football team in the 90's we didn't realise they were actually a pretty good team until Bertie Vogts came along and then we started to get pumped off of Kazakhstan and Georgia

#6 - William The Lion Jun 26, 2020 1411 Scotland's longest reigning medieval monarch 'William the Lion' was enthusiastic and not without his charms, but he was much louder, more aggressive, stubborn and lacked the subtlety and talents of his older brother - he is basically Scottish medieval history's version of Liam Gallacher.

#5 - King David Jun 18, 2020 1754 King David is arguably Scotland's greatest ever king, he was so good in fact he could win battles by losing them - winning at losing makes you a hero in this country!

#4 - Malcolm and Margaret Canmore Jun 11, 2020 1654 Malcolm and Margaret Canmore were Scotland's original power couple, the late 11th century's equivalent of Beyoncé and Jay-Z - well if Beyoné became 'Saint Beyoncé' and Jay Z was middle-aged, illiterate, violent, vengeful, obsessed with conquering Northumbria and had a huge head

#3 - Macbeth Jun 4, 2020 1673 Macbeth wasn't just the main character in that play you hated, and he wasn't a detective solving crimes with his adorable wee West Highland terrier in the Scottish equivalent of Midsummer either. The real life Macbeth was an 11th century king of Scotland. The last truly Celtic king of Scotland he suffered a bad press thanks to that pesky William Shakespeare thankfully Mountebank is here to restore

#2 - The First King of Scotland May 27, 2020 1655 In this episode I compare a great Pictish king to a pastry, the vikings try to introduce £9 pints to Scotland, Edinburgh falls out of English and back into Scottish hands but they decide to keep cricket all this plus I shout at Stuart Armstrong for not booting the ball out of the park in 2017.

#1 - Romans, Picts and Scots May 20, 2020 1791 The Mountebank History of Scotland is a series of comical history podcasts charting the history of Scotland from the 1st century to the present day. In episode #1 The Romans were scared of midgies, the 'Scots' are actually Irish and the indigenous people of Scotland would ride into battle bollock naked and covered in tattoos (1500 years before the invention of instagram). All this plus a year long

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