Pirates: Totalus Rankium
A lighthearted history podcast that ranks all of the Golden Age Pirates. Hosted by Rob and Jamie, the creators of Roman Emperors Totalus Rankium and American President Totalus Rankium, it combines humor with historical storytelling. Each episode explores the lives and exploits of notable pirates, presenting them in a ranked format with a comedic twist.
Episodes
Pirate Final!
So we get to the end! Only two pirates remain. But who will be crowned the ultimate pirate of the seven (actually two or three depending on definitions) seas!?
Pirate Semi 2
Our second Pirate Semi! Only one can go through to the final. Jamie and I take questions about the pirates from our wonderful patreons!
Pirate Semi 1
So we are in the first pirate semi (behave!) We have Blackbeard, Blackbart, Blackvane and Blackcondent. But who is the one who goes through? Our Patreons ask questions, and we answer!
Pirate Round 4
The final quarter final we have a close round of 5: Condent, North, Rackham, Kidd and Low go head to head. but only two can go through!
Pirate Round 3
In the 3rd of the 4 rounds, we have Robin Hood Black Bellamy, Pirate King Vane, Gentleman Pirate Bonnet and Grandfather of piracy Avery. It is a round of death. only 2 can go through!
Pirate Round 2
In the second round Black Bart goes up agianst Howard, Davies and Tew! All very good pirates, but only two can go through. (Thats two, not Tew. but maybe Tew)
Pirate Round 1
We start the rounds to see who is the best and most piratey pirate around! Blackbeard v Halesy v Bonney v Read! Which 2 will go through?
The Pirate Rounds - Draw
So we come to the end - and that means one thing! The Pirate Rounds! Let's see who the best pirate of them all is! In this short episode we draw the names.
30 William Fly
We come to our last pirate! William Fly is often considered the last pirate of the Golden Age. But why Fly? did he do something amazing? Or was he a damp squib.
29 Francis Spriggs
Ned Low was a bit of a git. But what about his right hand man?
Well, probably a git as well. but maybe in a different way? find out!
28 Ned Low
We come to one of the most vicious of all pirates in the golden age. But was this a myth? Was he really that bad? And did he just want to be a lumberjack?
Also: Link to Marco's graphic novel mentioned in the episode: https://www.nubes.live/en/product/ammianus-vesper-mundi/?v=813e21682148
27. John Philips
So, we don't get much on John Philips, but we do get a man to talk about him whose family we have come across before! Can you guess who? Can Jamie?
26 John Evens
His episode is short, but maybe he is a hidden gem? Maybe?
25 Thomas Anstis
He became a pirate under Howell Davies, he worked with Black Bart - two of the best pirates we have come across. So will Anstis live up to his mentors? Find out!
24 George Lowther
George Lowther may not be the biggest names in pirate history, but he made his mark. He got a chapter in the General History. So let's find out why!
23.5 Special - Pirate Deception (Intelligent Speech 2025)
Here is the live speech we gave at last year's Intelligent Speech Conference. All about how you have been deceived about pirates!
We are keynote speakers this year - tickets are out now! It's on the 28th of Feb, and if you go to intelligentspeechonline.com you can get your tickets. Use the code Rankium to get a discount!
23.2 Black Bart
We cover the rest of the story of Black Bart. The 3rd pirate to get the nickname of "black" in the series. but does he live up to it?
23.1 Black Bart
We come to another pirate with a cool nick name. Two episodes on him, but why? is the pirate we have all been waiting for?
22 Christopher Condent
It's not a long episode. And his name is not Christopher Condent. But don't let that disturb you - maybe he is great! Maybe?
32 Edward England
This week we look into the life of an Irish pirate called England! We have come across him a couple of times already, but lets see what his story is all about.
20 Mary Read
We go to the friend of Ann this week. What, if anything, makes her stand out from her partner in crime? Does she have a new and equally probably made up back story? Find out!
19 Ann Bonney
We get to one of the most interesting pirates of the age - Ann Bonny. The pirate world was not kind to women, so how did Ann navigate the tumultuous waters of being a pirate and a woman? Find out! (Oh, and there is a load of fun nonsense from the General History too)
Exciting Announcement!
Jamie and I will be keynote speakers at next year's Intelligent Speech conference! It is always a great time.
Intelligent Speech Online is happening February 28th, 2026.
· The theme is Companions and Rivals
· Tickets are on sale at intelligentspeechonline.com
· Earlybird pricing is available on tickets until December 31st, 2025.
· Use discount code Rankium to get a
18 Jack Rackham
At the end of Vane's episode he was overtaken by his quartermaster. But who was that man? Why was he wearing these clothes, and why are the turtle hunters so buff? Find out!
17.2 Charles Vane
Last time we saw what he got up to under Henry Jennings. But now he is on his own leading a pirate faction against all the leading pirates. Oh, and Woods Rogers is on his way!
17.1 Charles Vane
In a change to the schedule, we are looking at one of the most notorious pirates this week: Charles Vane! In part one we look at his life under one of the father's of golden age piracy - Captain Jennings.
16 Howel Davies
Howel Davies is here. He may not be a popular as Bonnet or Blackbeard, but he has a story! Join us as we review the con man of the seas.
15 Richard Whorley
After the heights of Blackbeard and Bonnet we have the story of Whorley. Will he go down as one of the greats? No. Did we have fun talking about him? Yep!
14 Stede Bonnet
We have met Blackbeard - the most notorious pirate in history. But now let's meet the man behind the man. The gentleman in a dressing gown and bunny rabbit slippers. It's time to look at Stede Bonnet!
13.2 Edward Blackbeard Teach
Last time we covered the life of Blackbeard before he was famous. This time? Well, it's time to understand why he is the most famous pirate of all time!
13.1 Edward Blackbeard Teach
It's the big one! Or at least the first half of the big one! Find out just why Blackbeard is the only pirate Jamie has heard of. We cover his early career under the notorious Captain Hornigold!
12 John Martel
We are still in the Golden age! So does that mean more Sam Bellamy level antics? ... well, no. But we cover the history of Nassau. so that's good.
11 Black Sam Bellamy
Oh, we have hit the Golden Golden age now! This is what we signed up for. Black Flags, Skull and cross bones, parrots! Levels of nudity that would ensure HBO would have to make the TV version! Black Sam has it all.
10.5 Woods Rogers
This week we go off script. We are not coving a pirate from the General History - but instead we are coving a man who will be popping up a lot in the future: None other than the pirate hunter Woods Rogers! And we try and answer the simple question: Woods Rogers?
10 Nathaniel North
We come to the end of the Pirate Round. North is perfect as he Forrest Gumps his way around the Indian Ocean. Let's do one last round before the Golden Age really begins!
09 David Williams
What happens when a Welsh farm boy is abandoned naked on the shore of Madagascar? Probably piratey shenanigans! Probably.
08 Samuel Burgess
After having the good man of piracy with Halesy last time, we now go to the bad man of piracy. Was he a pirate? Was he a slaver? Find out!
07 John Halsey
Who is John Halsey? Is he the nice man of piracy? Does he have a plan? Where did all the dragons come from? Find out in this episode!
06 Thomas White
What to do with a pirate we are not 100% sure was real? Cover him anyway and hope for the best! Check out Bluesky and facebook to see the images connected to this episode. https://bsky.app/profile/totalusrankium.bsky.social/post/3ljl7gf5k2c24
https://bsky.app/profile/totalusrankium.bsky.social/post/3ljl7iflrb224
05 John Bowen
Our pirate from last episode had a fellow pirate captain that he worked with. But was Bowen better than Howard? Did he take more ships? Did he instil more fear? Why should he look out for red fish? And does anyone know how to make a Tom Collins around here? Find out all the answers to these questions!
04 Thomas Howard
We enter the dark ages of our series where the names are not so well known. We have only the general history to rely on but does this mean Howard will be dull? Or is he a hidden gem? Find out!
03 William Kidd
Our third pirate is one of the most famous pirates of the time. He may not be too well known now, but back in pirate times he was up there with the best of them. But why? What makes Kidd so special? And more importantly, do we finally have a good ship name?
02 Thomas Tew
Our second pirate is the aptly named Thomas Tew. We saw Tew in Avery's episode when Avery took command of the pirate fleet. But how did Tew do on the attack? And just how friendly was his ship? Find out!
01 Henry Avery
So it begins! Join us as we look at the first pirate we will be covering. The pirate all other pirates wanted to be, the Robin Hood of the seas, it's Henry Avery! (or Every. or Everie. or... never mind, spelling was optional back then)
00 Ahoy Matey!
Welcome to the introduction episode for Pirates: Totalus Rankium! We are going to be ranking all the Golden Age pirates found in The General History of Pirates. Join us as we lightheartedly look at each one in turn. 30 pirates, but which one is the best? Find out!
